10th of March 2019, exactly 847 days since I became a singleton. That's two and a half years nearly! The longest I have ever been single. The longest I haven't been someone's someone. And it's got me thinking about a few things. Things about me and things about what it's like for a 30 something gay man trying to find love.
Ok, so first things first. I'm hitting the RIPE old age of 35 this year. Yup 35.. not that you would think it. When I think of other 35-year-olds I think of them being married, having a few kids, having a mortgage and lots of stress. When I look at myself I think of going out socialising with friends, no mortgage, no kids, no husband and still have some stress. I mean they probably look at me and think he is living some fine life no responsibilities, no worries and no cares and they wish they could be like me just as I wish I could be like them. I suppose it's true what they say The grass is always greener on the other side.
But lately, I have been thinking a lot about my life and how much I miss being someone. I miss the good morning texts, the just checking in to see how I'm doing. The planning days out even if it is popping out to Tesco together. I miss the cuddling up on the couch, the arm wrapped around me in bed. Or me wrapping my arm around them, I'm a big spoon and small spoon in equal measures you know!! It's the little things that someone in a relationship may not appreciate and I have been guilty of that in the past but once you become single for a while you soon realise how those little things are better than the big things.
So I have joined a number of Apps, all designed to meet fellas. The problem is I'm just not meeting anyone. I don't know whether it's because I'm not properly trying or the world is telling me... Man, you gonna die alone and be eaten by your cats. It's just if anyone over a certain age, let's say 30 goes on Grindr they are met with a screen full of men under 25 who all say no old guys over 30!!! WAIT WTF IM OLD NOW!!!!!! When did that happen? I'm not that old am I. Ok I may have the dad bod without being a dad.. and yeah the pounds are pilling on quicker than they can fall off but I'm not that old. But I am also being very picky. I don't want anyone under 30. I want a man who knows what he wants and it's not a one-night thing. And I do say on my profile what I'm looking for! What bugs me is that people will message me when they don't fit into what I have said I'm looking for. It's not a causal Fuck Buddy I want. I want a man who wants the same things as me. A chance at a relationship. A man that wants a future with me as I do with them. Maybe Grindr isn't the best place to be looking for that. You can only try to talk to the same people so many times before you and they get pissed off. And it's not just Grindr it's the same with all online dating apps.
Then it brings me onto the possibility of heading back onto the Scene. That's a fucking scary prospect. I mean I'm not the young Twink that goes to the gay bars. I feel very uneasy in a gay bar simply because I feel I don't conform to the normality of being a certain size, acting a certain way. A gay man can still have all the gay stereotypes stuck in his head. I'm usually the awkward one who won't dance too much only when I'm hammered and by then who would want to talk to the old drunk on the dance floor. I feel much more secure and safe behind my iPhone on a dating app then in front of someone in a bar. I can't go up and talk to someone.
It's always been an absolute fear of mine. I get all tongue tied and can't get a sentence out. I'm socially stupid!!When I was 21 I had no bother talking to a fella and I wasn't even in a gay bar at the time! I would have this confidence and this "I don't give a fuck" attitude. I miss that. As I have gotten older ( I wouldn't say wiser) I have felt my confidence fade away bit by bit and I tend to worry more about what others think.
When I was younger and living in Tralee you would always see at the end of the night some men standing up by a wall all waiting for a girl to come over to them. They were in their late 30's/early 40's and I used to giggle thinking to myself I would never be like that. By the time I was their age, I would have my perfect husband and be sitting at home in front of a fire cuddled up together. It now looks like I'm gonna have to build a fucking wall for me to lean up against.
I have two different groups of friends. One group are all couples and I'm the single guy and that's fine. I hear them, speaking about families, houses, holidays and weekends away. And I'm so jealous. I want all that. I would like to be someones plus one at a wedding or they are mine. And I just keep wondering to myself why hasn't this happened to me. I thought years and years ago it would happen. It was happening to me. I had the house, the man and the dog. But it didn't work out and since then I have been a little lost in the area of love. If anyone reading this wants to lend me a sat nav I would rip it out of your hands.
I then have a second group of friends and we are all single. Yes, we all would love to have someone but we don't let it get us down. We were talking and one of my best friends said if she met a man it would then take her 4 years before they got married. I laughed in shock. I said to her if I managed to get a fella for a second date it would be at a registry office and we would have a big party afterwards. Ok, I'm joking it wouldn't be the second date. but I wouldn't be waiting for 4 years. It just goes to show each to their own.
But for me, I'm starting to question everything. Am I too old, am I too fat, am I too ugly. Am I just not attractive? I suppose a lot of it has to do with me and my self-confidence issues. Maybe it is time for me to get back to the gym and start losing a few pounds. Maybe its time for me to build my confidence and start getting out there and seeing what the universe has in store for me. Until then I will be on the apps hoping that Mr Right is out there.